My 4th grade son is spending the day in ISS -- in school suspension. He hit, scratched and allegedly bit another boy on the playground. In the nearly 24 hours since the playground incident, however, I've stopped seeing his behavior as an act of aggression, and now I consider it an act of self-defense. Here's the story... Apparently there's a game that's all the rage among 4th grade boys on the playground these days. The game, which they call "taser squishy," involves running up behind other kids (ostensibly, other players of the game) and giving their bums a squeeze. My son, Elijah, was the unwitting recipient of a "taser squishy" squeeze. Let me pause here to point out that my son has Asperger's and sensory integration disorder, and he is very uncomfortable with uninvited touch. I can see how this trait of his could be somewhat problematic on an elementary school playground, where grabbing and jostling are likely a regular occurance. So anyway, back to the incident. Upon having his bum squeezed, Elijah backhanded the other kid in the chest and then at least attempted to bite him on the arm (whether or not the bite actually occurred is up for debate...in any case, there was no mark left, so no proof of a bite). The other kid them promptly squeezed Elijah's bum again, and this time Elijah scratched him. The other boy reacted by scratching back. At this point, Elijah went to the teacher. The vice principal gets called, an investigation ensues, consequences are doled out and then I get a telephone call from the vice principal.
Long story short, Elijah got a day of ISS. I have no idea what consequence was given to the other boy. Yes, I asked, but was told he couldn't discuss the other child with me.
Elijah was quite bothered by the whole incident. He was particularly confused over why he should get ISS for a first offense. I opined that it must be the school's zero tolerance policy for violence, blah blah blah. I also struggled with whether or not there should be consequences at home in addition to the consequences at school. I really struggled with that. I've always had the policy that if you get in trouble at school, you get in trouble at home. But suddenly I was seeing the situation in shades of gray, no black and white to be seen. What it boils down to is a conflict between different sets of rules. In school, violence is against the rule, no matter the circumstance. If you break a rule at school, there is a consequence.
Then there's an unwritten set of rules that I'll call playground rules...the playground is a place where too often it's survival of the fittest. Bullies can rule...if you let them. It's a place where you want your child to be able and willing to defend themselves if it comes down to that. In many ways, defending oneself is what prevents you from becoming a victim. I don't want my child to be a victim. True, I would prefer a nonviolent solution to all problems. But I'm not naive enough to believe that that will always be possible. If after the first time he was grabbed, Elijah had said, "Stop, I don't like that," then the other kid may have stopped. However, he may not have, and he may still have grabbed Elijah a second time. What Elijah chooses to do then can make all the difference between whether it happens again or not. Sure, he could go to the teacher. He could tell the kid again to stop. He could hit or scratch. What I want Elijah to take away from all this is that for every situation, there are choices to be made, and every choice we make has some sort of consequence. I want him to know that if he feels the need to defend himself, then he should do that. He must be aware, however, that that choice will carry with it a consequence--one that he must be willing to pay. So at some point in the future, the price for defending himself may be a day in ISS. But I want him to know that I will support his choice and his right to defend himself, because I want him to feel empowered to not be a victim.
